If I could show you the disaster area of my room I would.
The furniture is all over the room. Anything touching the walls has been moved in, and any knick-knacks that had stored on said furniture have now found themselves on the floor.

I was sitting here, laughing, watching Reservoir Dogs for the upteenth time, when I notice something small, grayish brown, walking slowly near my bed, less than a foot from me. I look over and it’s a lizard! LIZARD!

Now, I’m not so much afraid of lizards, as I am afraid of anything that resembles Gray Aliens. Big-eyed, see-through skin.. all that freaks me out. This lizard had it all. To make matters worse, this lizard was of the species that like to release their tails and jump at the largest heatsource when frightened, aka YOU!

After some screaming, some reinforcement of gender roles in society, I managed to convince my male housemate in the next room to come out over here and get this lizard out of my room. I handed him a broom and a prayer. A few high pitched squeals from both ends later, I found myself up top a bar stool in the living room shooting Raid at the lizard as it scurried past my feet. 

This thing would not die. My dad told me that you should never kill a lizard, cause they kill cockroaches. but my Daddy ain’t here. So I was spraying some much Raid on that fucker I was slipping all over the floor after. I told my roommate that he could now kill the lizard, as I had given him strict instructions that he couldn’t kill the lizard in my room because I didn’t want to clean up lizard guts. But then, as it was scurrying through the living room, covered in raid, my roommate trying to smash it with a the bristles of a broom, I felt bad for the poor thing.

I went back into my room, grabbed an old pillow case and demonstrated to my roommate how to catch the thing without actually touching it.

“Have you ever caught a bird before, Kyle?” I asked him. He replied, “No.” I demonstrated on the floor how to gently throw a towel on the ground, then scoop up from the ends, capturing the unsuspecting animal. 

We got the lizard in the pillow case and I made Kyle put it in the trash. Pillowcase and all.

I hate lizards!!!!